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Funny Quotes Books
Phillips' Book of Great Thoughts & Funny Sayings: A Stupendous Collection of Quotes, Quips, Epigrams, Witticisms, and Humorous Comments. For Personal Enjoyment and Ready Reference.
by Bob Phillips

Phillips' Book of Great Thoughts & Funny Sayings
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Quote Junkie Funny Edition: Hundreds Of Hilarious Quotes By Some Of The Most Serious Men And Women In The History Of The World
by Hagopian Institute

Quote Junkie Funny Edition: Hundreds Of Hilarious Quotes By Some Of The Most Serious Men And Women In The History Of The World
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Funny Quotes: The Best of Unintentional Humor
by Drew Peacock

Funny Quotes: The Best of Unintentional Humor
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- Funny Quotes -

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You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
~ Yogi Berra

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
~ Woody Allen

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
~ Homer Simpson

Don't give your life a chance to die.
~ Manny Pacquiao

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
~ Bob Hope

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
~ Oscar Wilde
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
~ Mark Twain
The ships hovered in the air exactly as a brick wouldn't.
~ Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.
~ Albert Einstein
If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
~ Yogi Berra

Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive.
~ Elbert Hubbard

It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.
~ Yogi Berra

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
~ George Bernard Shaw
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.
~ Yogi Berra

If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life.
~ Tommy Lasorda

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
~ Steven Wright

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
~ George Burns

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
~ Bill Cosby

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.
~ Satchel Paige

A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.
~ Ronald Reagan

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
~ W. C. Fields

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.
~ Yogi Berra

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
~ Albert Einstein
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
~ Joe E. Lewis

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
~ Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
~ Rodney Dangerfield

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed.
~ Albert Einstein
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He was a thinker, political figure, educator, and founder of the Ru School of Chinese thought. Known to the Chinese as Master Kong and to the rest of the world as Confucius, he created a philosophy based on virtue and believed in honesty, respect, sincerity.

Confucius taught that it was not the satisfaction of the senses in the present moment that would bring true happiness, but well-planned actions and the helping of fellow man which mattered most.
(551-479 BCE)

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History is the lie commonly agreed upon.
~ Voltaire

We should all be concerned about the future because we will have to spend the rest of our lives there.
~ Charles F. Kettering

Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves.
~ Abraham Lincoln
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